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Fort Worth, TX – Biometric security systems like fingerprint and
retinal scanning have been on the forefront of security, but a new
biometric procedure promises to go even deeper.
 Proberect Corporation's new rectal scanner promises to be the end all in security.
"As has been shown in countless movies, fingerprint and retinal scans
can be easily duplicated by using wax molds or by cutting off the head
of an employee, but rectal scanning is almost impossible to fake," said
Alan Cummings, CEO of Proberect.
"The inside of everyone's rectum has a unique pattern which is more
complex than fingerprints and a rectum is harder to pop out than an eye
so it is more secure," said Cummings. "After an initial ten-minute scan
to map out the person's rectum, it's just sit and go."
The probe vibrates and expands if it detects an invalid rectal signature.
The first adopters of the Proberect system are companies working on
top secret military contracts for the US government which require the
highest of security.
One of these companies, Lockheed Martin, has the Proberect system in
place at its Fort Worth, Texas facility. "It's a simple process. The
employee lubes up the probe to increase electric conductivity then just
sits down on it," said Beverly Carlton of Lockheed Martin. "A few
employees complained, but most are used to taking it up the ass from
management around here, so it wasn't a big adjustment."
Some employees complained that the process is "quite painful" while others had to be forced to get off the probe.
Managers at Lockheed have suggested employees wear miniskirts or kilts to speed up the process.
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